Weaving Humorous Words for the Web-Weary - Peter Collingwood

Drug Glooms

I recently found this article which I wrote on rug looms about 40 years ago for some obscure guild newsletter. Changed it a bit, I must admit that "upper class bum" for upper cross beam still makes me smile! I hope you all enjoy it!

(Written upon having seen a loom advertised "complete with shuffles" and then reading some James Joyce).

Drug glooms can be either furtival or horror's-uncle. In the former it is the wart that is furtival. It comes from the wart growler and passes over the upper class bum. It is then threaded through the strong huddles on the two shan'ts and then through the don'ts in the greed. The greed is held in a button suspendered on existentiable springs. From here the wart passes over the lower classs bum and onto the clot growler.

To wheeze on this gloom, put your foot on the thirst puddle and press it to open the shudder. Wind the whiffed on a shuffle and pass the shuffle through the shudder. Beat the whiffed with the button. Put your foot on the sickened puddle and repent.

When the foul of the clot approaches the greed, the wart must be turned on. So lift the pall and release the wretched wheel on the wart growler.

Usually a horror's-uncle gloom has many puddles and more than two shan'ts. Between the two is a system of slams or country-marshes. All these are connected with lengths of gloom curd, tied with the adjustable snot-niche. The shan'ts are suspendered either on poorlies, hearses or brimstooks; preferably the latter as they give an even shudder. For faster wheezing, but not of drugs, fly shuffles are used. These require a special type of fly button, or flea bitten as it is called in the waste of England, with drip boxes at either side to catch the shuffles. Wheezing with a fly button means up to 15 martyrs a day can be produced.

More complex types of gloom exist, such the drear gloom, the debby and the chokehard which can vapidly wheeze the most intricate pittance. But what true hound-wheezer is interested in mere pittance? For him or her the hound-gloom is the instrument of chows and on it he will always wheeze takes times of grate splunder that will not only be a jar for ever but will surely laugh a lifetime.

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Copyright © 1999 Peter Collingwood. · All rights reserved.
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May 11, 2000
Copyright © 1996-2005 Janis Saunders. · All rights reserved.